Free Space

This is my free space, my place where my secrets are shared, where my feelings are opened, where my soul is released. 

Sobbing, crying, hurting but courageously bearing the pain. When will my heart be frozen so I can finally let it go?

It is happening again...history is repeating itself. When will the change be happening? 

Too close from admitting it to him, yet what can it profit me? It may even affect his "happy heart" today.

I don't want to be selfish, though I still want to be there for him.

Not yet time. Not yet him. Not yet for me.

Unfollow.

What Would You Rather Have?

Loving someone who loves you back… but thousands of miles are keeping you apart.

Or

Loving someone within your reach… but doesn’t love you the way you want him to.

As for me, I’d rather risk to love than not to love at all.

Life's Lessons

I’ve learned that the people closest to you are ones capable of hurting you the most. Yet they are also the ones that you can still love and forgive no matter what they did to you.

I’ve learned that no matter how great or how small he/she did something to you for as long as you are keeping some hurt from him/her, you will always get irked with his/her petty/unconscious moves towards you. Even without planning about it, you are always watching if he/she will commit a mistake or not.

I’ve learned that all people, even your family or bestest friends, can disappoint you. Because, just like you, they too are imperfect.

I’ve learned that no secret can be kept forever. One day, you’ll tell someone about it. Only then will you feel that it was a still a relief afterall. It may take time, even years, but a time will come for the secrets to be revealed.

I’ve learned that “going back” is easier than “moving on”. Even though the latter is harder, you still choose what is right, that is to continue moving forward.

I’ve learned that each person needs some time to be by himself, alone. It gives healing even if he doesn’t do anything, just by being alone is enough.

I’ve learned that whatever we prayed for, the right time will come that God will answer it. Even if we have forgotten about it, when God answers it, we will remember that we have prayed for it (whether God’s answer is a Yes or a No).

I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, nothing can get in the way to keep you from doing it.

I’ve learned that people commit mistakes and God, by His grace, creates another day so that people can start anew.

NUMB

In four weeks time, Christmas season will officially start in the Philippines. I’m not kidding, look at your calendar…

How fast time flies, or does it tick faster than before? It’s almost end of July which means that half of the year had passed without me noticing it. Philippines have her new president. More typhoons have come and gone. Oil prices keep on going up. Business is business as usual. Problems keep piling up.

As I write this blog, there really is nothing in my mind on how this can flow and end. I feel numb inside. Or is just my way of coping up with things that are happening around me? Have I become too preoccupied that I don’t care much on the passing time? Have I shut myself from the realities of this world? Does my life’s purpose take a stop after all? I keep on living each day, I keep on laughing, I keep on hurting, I keep on struggling, I keep on dreaming and I keep on loving. But why is there numbness inside?

Probably the reason why time flies fast is because people become busier than before. They have a lot of to-do’s that 24 hours is not enough to complete them all. Maybe the world keeps each of us working on one thing after the other. Maybe time hasn’t change, but people and circumstances do. Wherever I am in my time right now, I hope I’ll get this over soon. I want “it” back. I want to wake up and be “me” again…or will “this” keep on passing until I get used to it and lived by it?

Dreamed About You

Twice I saw you in my sleep. I know I haven’t thought much about you lately, but for those two nights I saw you again.

You were on your usual mood, happy and wacky. But I noticed the peace and control that you have. The serenity I longed to see in you, and I was so glad to glimpse a moment of it.

Last Friday, I was reminded of God’s power on Ami Ortiz’s miraculous healing and recovery. Inspite of the explosion he suffered, he was perfectly restored and healed. While hearing his testimony I can’t help but think about you. Will you still be with us if we prayed the same way as Ami’s dad prayed? Will you still come with us to wherever we plan to go? Will you enjoy it bonding more with us, with me? But at that time, all I can do was to embrace your mom who was crying hard too.

I thought the flow of tears has stopped, but I was wrong.

Peth, I still miss you…

Current thoughts...

Breaking the bond is difficult especially if the thing that's holding you is hard to let go.
You can't let go because you still want the link.
You are attached to the link because you are enjoying what it gives.
You are enjoying because you somehow need it.
You need it because you find your satisfaction with it.
But you know it really cannot satisfy.
And you are in bondage even if you know that you have to let go.
Eventhough you know that in the end, it won't matter.
It won't matter because it is not right.
It is not right because Someone is not pleased.
You know He is not pleased, but you still continue...

And now you are trapped.
Cannot let go, even if you want to.
Because deep inside, you don't really want to.
Life, its complicated.
Emotion, its deceptive.
Bondage breaking, its a hard thing.
It involves pain and hurt and tears.
Sooner or later you have to move on and choose the right thing.
You have to decide and willfully give in.
Before it destructs you...

Longest time

(I hope you are not eating while you read this entry)

Have you had the longest time of your life? My question sounds crazy, I know. I know what crazy means . . . well at least for the last two days maybe.

It was my first time to taste white cream cheese. It was yummy and of course, very creamy. It was so nice with pandesal and hot coffee. It was so good that I ate three pandesals! That was about 10am.

Come 12nn, I still feel full. You see my digestion is not that efficient so when I eat much, I don't easily feel hungry after a number of hours. So I guess, its normal. 3pm I ate bread again. All is normal, as far as my tummy is concern.

I will be attending a meeting at 7pm that night. I was supposed to leave the office at 545pm but I was out by 6pm. Why? Because my tummy started to feel crazy! At maybe about 4pm, I felt a terrible pain. I just can't move but after a few minutes it was gone. I felt relieved but not before I decided to leave the office. I went to the "throne". That helped. Went to the meeting as normal. And before I slept that night, I visited the "throne" again.

The next day, I feel good. Back to usual routine at work. All is normal.

And then yesterday afternoon, my tummy went crazy again. I have to meet a friend at night and we decided to have dinner before listening to the message at church. Once again, I visited the "throne" before I met up with her. Thankfully, all night was good.

At 1am this morning, I was awaken by the crazyness inside me, that is, inside my tummy. I immediately got up from bed and seated on the throne. Oh man, I was there for almost one hour! The pain was really, really terrible. I felt like I was going to faint every time it attacks. I was already thinking of waking up my father to bring me to the hospital. But that was one o'clock in the morning! So there I was, sitting on the "throne", silently suffering that one-hour excruciating pain. That was the longest one-hour I waited in my life! I decided to get back to bed, thankfully I was able to get a good sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt weak but not really, really weak. I went to work late. I told my boss I was not feeling well that early morning and he understood.

So far, I feel "sane" inside. Haha! I hope that crazyness won't attack anymore. I still don't know if it is because of that cream cheese because I was the only one who suffered that pain. About 10 of us ate that cheese. Anyway, I hope my stomach is on its way to normal. :)

By the way, we have ice cream at the office today. Choco pinipig flavor. Aaahh, too bad I did not eat. Need lots of self-control there, hehe. As my bestfriend said, better safe than sorry. :(

Fully loaded

Current Mood: soooooo tired

An unplanned trip happened last Friday. God gave us the chance to see Sydney!

We were supposed to go to Queensland but the fare is quite expensive so my sister looked for the Sydney trip. We contacted Tita Laura and Joanne, fortunately all was set before our flight.

That four-day trip was really fun. We visited all the popular sites: opera house, Harbor bridge, Darling Harbor, Queen Victoria bldg, Sydney Olympic Park (where Hillsong conference is held), cruise along the city shore, and many more. Joanne is a good tour guide, and libre nya lahat! Yaman di ba? Hehehe.

One of the highlights for me is the "chatterbox" (this is Uncle Bill's term when we have long chats). Joanne and I did a lot of talkings, daldal pala namin. Hahaha. In the train, while walking, when we were shopping, while eating (oopppss, don't talk when your mouth is full!), when we watch tv - or should I say, we talk when we are awake. Hehe.

Pero grabe, ang haba ng lakarin. Walang sinabi ang pag-ikot ng ilang beses sa megamall sa paghahanap ng Sbarro, or ang pagsha-shopping sa buong Divisoria. Nabanat ng husto ang mga binti ko! Keliliit pa naman (haha!). Bilib ako kay Joanne, ibang klase ang batang ito. Di marunong mapagod. Well, di ko alam if after we went back eh plakda na sya. Salamat ulit sis ha, sana maulit muli. Hahaha.

It is really getting hot in here. Today 32C ang temperature. Yung ilang weeks that I was so balot na balot, in just a matter of days, sunog agad! Ibang klase ang init dito. Parang bigla kong na-miss ang lamig. Hehe.

The whole day today, my Tita toured me around Melbourne city. Ang saya kasi nag-tram lang kami. Pero as usual, naglakad na naman kami ng mega haba. But after that, before we went home, she brought me to a newly opened shopping mall near her place. Nabuhay na naman ang spirit ko especially when I saw the big SALE marks. Hahaha. Kaya lang di pa ako sanay sa Aussie dollar kaya konti lang nabili ko. Paano ba naman, I always convert the price to peso, ang mahal pa naman when coverted. Kaya sabi ko kay Tita uwi na kami. Hehehe.

And since we never had a good long rest yet, I took mefenamic acid. Grabe sakit ng katawan ko kaya now I feel sooooo tired...

A Different Christmas

I will be celebrating this year's Christmas different from the other years. Why? Because I only have this year to celebrate the birth of my Savior at age _ _ ! Haha...

Its different, really. I have this something in me that I find difficult to let go. I remember a line from one of the popular singers in the country, Letting go to know that truth is not so hard to do . . . Trusting and believing Him is all we got to do . . . " Whew, I hope it's really that easy.

Afraid. Uncertain. Anxious. Trusting God will get me thru these. I've been praying to increase my faith. I believe He is teaching me to walk not by sight.

God will get me to the end of this and when we reached that end, a beautiful site is wating for me.

A different Christmas.