Free Space

This is my free space, my place where my secrets are shared, where my feelings are opened, where my soul is released. 

Sobbing, crying, hurting but courageously bearing the pain. When will my heart be frozen so I can finally let it go?

It is happening again...history is repeating itself. When will the change be happening? 

Too close from admitting it to him, yet what can it profit me? It may even affect his "happy heart" today.

I don't want to be selfish, though I still want to be there for him.

Not yet time. Not yet him. Not yet for me.

Unfollow.

The Challenge

It all started with the challenge given from the series we held at our church for singles and college students. The series was superb (thanks to Pastor Andy Stanley), every message has its own kick to anyone who would seriously listen and learn from it. Then there is this challenge that I was so afraid to take. I am afraid because I know myself. I know that I made a lot of promises but most of them remain a promise unfulfilled. I am also afraid of what this challenge might change me into – something that I never thought I would like to be.

After all the reasoning and defenses, I finally said YES to it. I challenged myself not to engage into any date with the opposite sex, not to entertain any conversation that might lead to emotional attachment with men, not to even think of having a partner (a boyfriend or a husband). Seems like a risky challenge huh? You bet, I’m not even sure if I really made it clear with myself what I got into. He he he. We had this “extreme” measure system so that we can be protected from impurity or immorality. One of the extreme measures I decided to do is not to have any man (except for family members) to ride at the passenger seat of my car.

One time I had a seminar in Manila with one of my male colleagues. I have to bring my car and so it will just be the two of us riding together. Then I remember the challenge. So I asked for help from another male friend. He was kind enough to accompany me so there will be no exclusivity between me and my officemate. One point for me there.
I did an audit in our other office and needed to bring again my car. Another male colleague asked me if he can hitch back to our main office. At first, I got startled that he might seat beside me in the car. But then God told me to have him sit at the back, which he actually did. Two points!

At another time, we had a global conference call that ended at past 9:00pm. Another male colleague had asked me beforehand to hitch in my car on going home. I already knew then what to do, he will sit at the back. When the meeting was over, this colleague said that he will wait for a public transport and should I come out of the plant and him still waiting at the gate, he will ride with me. Thank God, just before I leave he texted me saying that he was already on his way home in public commute. Not a point for me there, but moreso for God.

I am nearing the third month of this challenge; it is still early to tell what positive impact this has on me. But yesterday I had a very thrilling day. I have a secret crush with an officemate. I like him because of his intellect, not my usual white-complexion type though. He is from a different department and our work is not much related. It means that our encounter is very, very minimal. Thankfully we have extra curricular activities at the office! That was a little chance for me to work with him. And so yesterday was the closest to the encounter. He went to my office to ask about a project and after our short conversation, he asked for my number! Yeah I know it was nothing personal, but I really got thrilled on the thought that “my crush asked for my number”. Hi hi hi. I don’t even know if he will ever use my number – text or call, but nonetheless, I was really thrilled.
So how about that challenge? That encounter yesterday was more on the fun side. No strings attached, no emotional whatsoever, just pure and clean business matter. I really got thrilled though. Ha ha ha.

I thank God for this challenge. I know I will learn something from it that will draw me closer to Him. It is still a long way to go, but I know I am not alone in this. God is with me, together we will finish the challenge successfully.

You Were There

The rain has stopped.
The storm has passed.
Look at all the colors, now the sun is here at last.
Father God, thank You for being there.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

In the Midst of the Storm

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

With the recent calamity we had experienced, it is so tempting to dwell on what was lost…

God has been and always will be our Protector, Provider and Refuge.

When typhoon Pedring came, I was able to go home early that day. God protected me from darkness and debris along the road.

The water started to rise. Nanay just bought our groceries for the week. We have enough food.

It took longer than I expected for the electricity to power up. I was able to charge my phones before the flood.

Days were passing, water level is getting higher. Still without electricity and the water supply has been cut off as well. Ate applied for purified water dealership, we have enough water supply.

Water reached the 2nd floor of our house! This was the first time we experienced such great flood. We still have our 3rd floor and rooftop to keep dry.

Our cars were parked on high grounds but the water level is higher. The owner of the lot where the cars were parked is an automotive mechanic. He sends us messages from time to time. Kuya was able to take out the computer box from Wyt and tied the two vehicles as well.

In God’s divine ways, I had an Elijah-experience. Everyday I asked God to stop the water from rising. It didn’t. I asked God to have the power back. It didn’t. I asked God for better sleeps. It didn’t. I kept praying until one day, the water level started to go down. All I uttered was “praise God!”

My spiritual family was all worried about us that they didn’t stop until they were able to send rescuers to our home. I, together with five family members and relatives, left our house. As we were going to dry land, I saw how great that flood was! I was safe at home, spending time with my family, praying for the water to subside – all this time, God has been keeping us in the eye of the storm. An unimaginable flood has come to our town. There were empty houses. There were people trying to survive. Calamity is everywhere. Yet God kept our eyes away from the awful situation.

It saddened me to be away from my family but more rejoicing when I get involved with the relief operation. Being “out of water” makes me see a clearer view of what God is trying to do. Need is everywhere and many people (most of them I do not know of) are all together helping out.

This flood maybe awful but has God promised that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things and you'll see that you are in the safest place...in the eye of the storm with God alone.

KINDNESS

The rain started to pour lightly. Made the weather cooler though. I did something I haven’t done before, that is, bursting out what’s in my heart that I am keeping inside for a longer time. Before that “explosion”, I felt like I was someone I am not.

I know I’ve caused pain so I humbled myself and asked forgiveness for what I did only to get hurt even more. I thought my asking for sorry will release me from the ache but I was wrong. That night, God talked to me in a very intimate way, a conversation I haven’t had for a longer time too. Every word He uttered is replied back with tears. God talked to me like a Father and assured me that He hasn’t forgotten anything about me.

The next day I was again truthful to someone only to give hurt once more. Have I done wrong for the second time? It was so painful that I thought I lost every investment I had on that relationship. God told me to humble myself again. The following day I asked for forgiveness and it was accepted. Later that day, I received a text message and it saddened me again. Will the rain ever stop?

I went to God and tried focusing my mind to other things until my hand ached from writing and told God that I am tired. Instantly, my phone rang. It was an international number, a call I don’t usually answer. But that time I got it and hoping it will be a lady on the other line. Indeed, a good friend I never talked to in a while shared stories that lifted my spirit. And before the call ended, she shared good news that soothed my worries. God really has His ways of taking care of me.

This morning as I was going to the office, I felt something is wrong with my car but didn’t mind it that much. Until someone got my attention and told me about a flat tire. The place where the problem was confirmed was near a vulcanizing shop. I only needed to turn and I was the only customer. As I was waiting to get my tire fixed, I checked on my phone and saw a message from my brother warning me of that tire. Nothing is too late for God; He had protected me all the way until I reached a safer place to fix the problem.

The rain is still pouring. The weather is still cooler. It is wet everywhere. And God is in it all the time. His kindness never fails.

A Year-end Story?

Isang buwan na lang and another year is over. Ang bilis talaga ng panahon, sabi nga nila. Totoo nga kayang bumibilis ang takbo ng orasan? Minsan napapaisip ako kung nababago ba ang speed ng pag-ikot ng mundo? Ngunit ang lahat naman ay ginawa ng Diyos na sakto lang, walang labis at walang kulang.

Noong nakaraang taon, may matinding pagsubok ang dumaan sa buhay ko. For the first time, I cried so hard because of heartache. Yung iyak na napapanood ko lang sa mga movies, na tingin ko pa nga ang OA (over acting). Pero totoo palang pag sobrang sakit, mapapaiyak ka na lang nang labis. Akala ko matindi na yun, pero mas matindi ang mga dumaan ngayong taon.

Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon I was hurt by someone I considered one of my very best friends. Di ko alam nasasaktan pala sya sa mga ginagawa ko na ang akala ko naman ay okay lang sa kanya. Nung nalaman ko yun, nasaktan ako dahil may tinatago na pala syang hinanakit sa akin. Ngunit ang pinakamasakit ay ang pag-isipan nya ako ng di magagandang bagay. Nag-usap kami at sinabi nya sa akin lahat ng naramdaman at inisip nya. Sobrang sakit na marinig yun, halos hindi na makakita ang mga mata ko sa sobrang iyak. Hindi ko akalaing mapapag-isipan nya ako ng ganun. Ilang araw ko ring dinamdam yun. Ngunit nangibabaw ang pagmamahal namin sa isa’t isa. Sa ngayon, okay na kami. Sabi nya kalimutan na namin yun at humingi rin sya ng sorry sa akin.

Ngayong taong ding ito, my family went through a very difficult trial. Something unexpected happened to one of our dear loved ones. Yung kasabihang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa, parang ganun ang naramdaman namin. At for the very first time, each of us cried, men and women in the family. And at that moment, my respect towards my father was even intensified. I know he was also hurting but since he is the leader of the family, he needed to encourage and strengthen us. He showed us the positive side of the situation. He reminded us of the love of God. I cried in gratefulness to the Lord for blessing me with a father like my Tatay.

At the last quarter of this year, I also experienced a slight depression (or maybe because of the previous trials that I went through) when one of the most precious friendships I have was tainted. Ang hirap din nung time na yun. On those moments that I needed a friend, di nya ako sinamahan. Inisip ko pa nga na siguro meron din syang pinagdadaanan kaya umiiwas sya sakin. I tried to reach out sa kanya, pero ang layo nya. Sabi nya sa akin lagi lang syang nandyan dahil kaibigan ko sya, ngunit nung mga oras na pinaka-kailangan ko sya, dun naman sya lumayo. Until we talked and I learned bakit sya lumalayo. Wala akong naramdaman nung nag-uusap kami, isang linggo yata ang lumipas bago nag sink in sa akin yung sinabi nya. And when I realized everything, I felt I lost another friend. Nag-flash back ang lahat, hirap pigilan ang luha. Nararamdaman ko naman na nagri-reach out sya, kaya lang di pa siguro ako handa na magtiwala muli. I still need to compose myself and wait for that time na pwede ko na ulit ibalik ang trust ko sa kanya. I know I also have my shares why that thing happened, kaya I also limit myself sa pakikipag usap sa kanya. As of now, I don’t know if what we had will be restored. Pero hopeful ako that God can make all things possible, hopeful ako that when He restores our friendship, it will be better that the one we had.

Sa lahat ng ito, namamangha pa rin ako especially when I heard again the footprints in the sand. Namamangha ako sa faithfulness and grace ni God towards me. Isang taon na that He’s is carrying me. Isang taon na there is only one set of footprints in the sand. Isang taon na at ni minsan wala akong narinig na reklamo or condemnation galing sa Daddy God ko.

Meron pang natitirang isang buwan sa taong ito, maganda or hindi ang dadating, sigurado ako that my God will stay the same. Nothing and no one can take away His love for me. He is my constant Companion, my very best Friend, my Protector, and my Shoulder to cry on. God, thank You, thank You that when You said that I am Your princess, You mean its truest meaning. The year 2010 may have been full of trials, but this year made me love You even more.

Complete

My week is a roller coaster. I didn't scream but my grip was so tight because if not, I will fall. I was there moving, living, existing but really don't know where am I going.

This morning at church, I heard this song. Every word is what exactly in my heart. One day Lord, I will see You face to face and I will just worship You, no more tears, no more pains, no more hurts.


COMPLETE
(by Parachute Band)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNYc5El60PI

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart
I offer up my life

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

Chorus:
So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now
Let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears
And I will be complete in You

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart
I offer up my life

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

Chorus:
So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now
Let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on, Lord
Then I'll see
Beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Ending:
I will be complete in
I will be complete in You

A Joy to my Heart

I’m fond of kids. Actually, my whole family likes kids, especially infants. And the youngest we have at home just turned one year old. She’s the daughter of my oldest brother and her name is Joy Andrea.

Who loves waiting? I don’t. I can list a bunch of reasons why and that would be another topic. But I’ve learned that waiting can be exciting depending on what you’re waiting for. Well for one, I am excited as I wait for Joy to have her first steps and her first real words. Everyone at home goes crazy when she says, “abeeda-abeeda!” Wish we know what she means by those words. She says it when she’s playing, when she’s watching tv, when she’s talking with someone, she’s saying it in almost all time she’ll open her mouth.

I find it funny and interesting that grownups actually adjust their understanding to comprehend the language of babies (which of course won’t be the other way around – babies understanding adults?? Haha!) So as part of the “adult” group, I just know that when Joy says “ba-ba”, she means “bye bye”; “ma-mam” means water; “pa-pa” means food; “ito, ito!” (in a very fast talk) means “this”. And they also use body language…a lot of it! When Joy wants to get out, she’ll just twist her body as far as she can until the one holding her can do nothing but to bring her out. When she doesn’t want a particular person to cuddle her, she’ll grab someone she likes as hard and as tight as she can. And when she’s bored and no toy to play with, she’ll pinch your nose and look at you in the eye. When she does that to me, I sometimes ask myself if I look like a human toy to her. Hahaha.

I love calling her “Ava-jong-jong” or “Ava-ju-jee”... so adults have their own language too…LOL!

Life's Lessons

I’ve learned that the people closest to you are ones capable of hurting you the most. Yet they are also the ones that you can still love and forgive no matter what they did to you.

I’ve learned that no matter how great or how small he/she did something to you for as long as you are keeping some hurt from him/her, you will always get irked with his/her petty/unconscious moves towards you. Even without planning about it, you are always watching if he/she will commit a mistake or not.

I’ve learned that all people, even your family or bestest friends, can disappoint you. Because, just like you, they too are imperfect.

I’ve learned that no secret can be kept forever. One day, you’ll tell someone about it. Only then will you feel that it was a still a relief afterall. It may take time, even years, but a time will come for the secrets to be revealed.

I’ve learned that “going back” is easier than “moving on”. Even though the latter is harder, you still choose what is right, that is to continue moving forward.

I’ve learned that each person needs some time to be by himself, alone. It gives healing even if he doesn’t do anything, just by being alone is enough.

I’ve learned that whatever we prayed for, the right time will come that God will answer it. Even if we have forgotten about it, when God answers it, we will remember that we have prayed for it (whether God’s answer is a Yes or a No).

I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, nothing can get in the way to keep you from doing it.

I’ve learned that people commit mistakes and God, by His grace, creates another day so that people can start anew.

It Is More Than Just a NUMBER

Disclaimer: This blog is neither to lift myself up nor to boast my ability, but to display the power of God.

I’ve never been number one. I don’t know how it is to be the first. In our family, I am the youngest. When I graduated from elementary, I was second place. In high school, I ranked third. And from college, I was number four. In school contests, I’ve never experienced to be the top winner. Not that I am bitter with the academic achievements I got, but being number one is not for me. Or that’s what I thought.

When I enrolled in the church’s GLC program, I told myself that I will be serious with it. I promised to God that I will try my best to excel in this course. I said that in my career I give my all, why not do the same with what God has entrusted me to learn? And just like my other promises, I have broken what I said I will do. At the first semester of the course, I was excited and enthusiastic in the class, in making projects and assignments, in reviewing for the exams. But later on I become lazy. I even did a project for the sake of completing it. (And yes, I got a low score for it.)

As we were consolidating the grades of each student at the end of the school year, my hopes of being in the top become less and less as more and more grades are entered especially at that time when I saw the lowest score I got from that project I was talking about from the previous paragraph. In my mind, I was telling God I am sorry that I did not make up to my promise…again.

I was exhausted that week helping out with the consolidation of grades. I even had to take one-day leave from work so that we could complete and submit the report. I am not used to sleep very late but that night I needed to work until 2:00 in the morning! There is no other one that can finish the grades since it is only me who knows the program. And when the most awaited summary has been completed, I was surprised with what I saw. My hands were trembling and my heart was beating fast, I couldn’t believe with what I am looking at. I got excited and at the same time I was also nervous thinking that maybe I did some mistakes in entering the scores. My name was on top of the list, meaning I got the highest average among the students! I stopped for a while and when I got my senses back I told God, “Ok Lord that is enough. It has lifted my spirit and even though it is late, I will still finish the consolidation of grades. Can You now please show me the correct top 20 names? By the way, thank You for the humor. Me as number one? You gotta be kidding me!” Thinking that I have to go to bed, I closed my computer and went to sleep.

Anticipating corrections and revisions with the grades, I brought my personal laptop to office so that I can work on it during my free time. Our Dean called to tell me that the grades are needed before lunch that day! There were few revisions but my name remained on top! I was hoping for more corrections and that my name won’t be at number one. Until about 3:00 in the afternoon, the final list was released. And yes, I still ranked number one! It took some time before I was able to grasp that fact.

Suddenly, I felt the rushing of tears on my face. I was humbled by the love of God. All throughout the school year, I’ve never been completely faithful. There were times that I did not give my best. There were days that I attend class but my mind is not focused on the lesson. But here I am, given another grace, loved unconditionally and forgiven freely. I really thanked God for lavishing me with His love. Inspite of my unfaithfulness, He remains faithful.

On August 8, 2010, Sunday, we marched and received our certificate of completion. It was a fun and meaningful graduation. It was so good to graduate for the fourth time in my life. But this one is different. Finally, I was number one, God made me number one. My parents, together with my sister, friend and nephews were there to witness my graduation. Tatay and Nanay kissed and congratulated me after I gave the valedictory speech. My nephews even handed a bouquet of yellow flowers. I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt my parents from my recent rebellion, but their love never changes. I know God made them feel proud of me.

Thank You is not enough to say how grateful I am to You, my God. I am humbled. I feel secured. I was reassured that You will be with me to the very end of age. Once again, I have experienced how mighty and powerful You are!

Tidbits of My Life!

I’ve never been into writing lately that even my personal journal is not updated. But the memories I am keeping inside me are overflowing that inspite of the very hectic sched that I have, I need to pour them out and write them in.

May 22 – Luge ride with Honey, Sugar, Chacoolita and Lakwatsero at Sentosa, Singapore. It was my first time to try the luge, had so much fun! Bitin lang. Haha!

May 23 – Universal Studios, Singapore. Picture takings, wacky ones. Hated and loved the ride at The Mummy. Super enjoy at the Lost World (one of the stars was cute, hehe). Photo shoot with Puss. (hihi)

May 24 – laughing out loud at the MRT with the “gang”. Stories about the glittering stones of “Darna” and touching-the-ceiling-demo of Honey.

Midnight snacks and chats with Honey and Sugar.

Accountability sessions with Sugar and Chacoolita at the bus and Sentosa.

Quiet time and devotion with Honey and Sugar at Botanic garden. Rivers of tears.

May 30 – during the Sunday worship, God broke my heart and started remodeling it again about my ”pride”. Things are falling out from work, God reminded me to accept it and face the challenges again.

May 31 – Just when I’m missing someone, we were able to chat a little. Eased my loneliness.

June 5 – so tired from my business trip and was not feeling well. Inside the shuttle going to my hotel at about 10:30pm, I peeked from the window and saw a blissful of STARS in the sky. Made me smile.

June 6 – got my most needed rest, slept from 11:30pm to 9:00am! The hotel I stayed was far far from what I expected it to be, but it didn’t matter. I was recharged.

Afternoon delight - had Ferrero Rocher chocolates and Haagen-Dazs ice cream for dessert! Laughed at and enjoyed the film. Relaxed while listening to the music of Michael Jackson.

June 8 – laughed our hearts out, with Phen and Cathy. Mini-chats and simple yet refreshing moments.

Now that I’ve listed them down, I can go back to my work mode again. Feels good to blog after some time.

THRILLED (a.k.a KILIG)

This may be a late post, and yeah I admit that some things are taking time before they sink in to me. Haha!

For this year, I was not that expectant for my birthday. Maybe because I am not excited to celebrate it since lately I am contemplating on another year that will be added to my age. (Hmmm, can that be considered a reason?? Hahaha). Anyway, I really did not expect for any extra special surprises this year.

My plan that day was to treat some very close friends from church for breakfast at our place. And in the afternoon, I will attend the renewing of vows of a couple who's close to my heart. That's my plan.

But God has other plans. Maybe He's thinking that MY plan was too simple for a princess. (grin)

I've been wanting yellow flowers since February. My friend maybe right, I think I'm already an addict! Addict to yellow flowers. Hehe! I love yellow and green, they are refreshing to the eyes and add happiness to my heart. And so because of that, I have already "imposed" to my dgroup that I want to receive yellow flowers!!! I even instructed them how to give those flowers to me. (Is this part of addiction? Or am I too demanding?) Hahaha!

I received from my dgroup the yellow flowers. Yeah! But what touched my heart was not the flowers after all. It's the time and effort they gave just to get those flowers. The sweat and the heat they endured just to make up for my "demand". Love you girls! They even made an AVP which really surprised me because my closest friends from college were there too. And of course, not to mention the kapamilya and kapuso stars who greeted me. Haha!

On the eve of my birthday, a friend even made a extra effort so he could be the first one to greet me on my exact birthday. It was special. (smile)

On the morning of my day, I am already contented with the yellow flowers I received. Then there were three yellow roses that come later. The yellow daisies were great, but the yellow roses are lovely too! It was also an EFFORT because I know getting those roses is really a challenge (based from feedbacks of the girls and other friends, haha!). Okay, okay... it was indeed a special day for me.

But God's surprises is not yet over. After sending my friends to take their ride home, I received yet another gift! A delivery man brought it to our home. It was in a very nice and tidy box. I was really shivering when I opened it (by the way, I needed a scissor to open it. That's how special and tight the seal was!). I felt that it's taking me forever before I could open it...I was speechless at the site of what's inside the box...a dozen fresh yellow roses arranged beautifully and neatly wrapped in special yellow paper! It come together with a sweet little bear. (I could even feel the tears as I write this part...) The gift was from my bestfriend. She's in Singapore but the distance did not hinder her to send me what I really like. Love you so much bes! God truly knows how to give my heart's desire for that day. God really knows how to make my day an extra special.

My happiness cannot be hidden. As I attended the wedding of my friends, people I met were telling me how beautiful I look that night. Modesty aside, I know it is God's love shining on me.

I was really thrilled. It really pays to be a special daughter of the King of kings, a beloved princess is what I mean...

P.S. My friend texted me a few days after. One of the guests from her wedding asked what my age is, her guest thought I was under 20!!! (wide grin)

T E A R S

21 GUNS (by Green Day)

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

The first time I heard this song, I was instantly attracted to it. You won’t be easily attached to something if it has nothing to do with you. And yes, this song has to some extent, expressed what I undergone for the past months.

I was in lost, I don’t know what my heart was like. For about six months, it couldn’t feel anything. Weird as it may sound, I even tried reading stories or watching films that will let my tears out. But all did not move my heart to feel what I want to be feeling. Not that I don’t care at all, but my heart is not “behaving” like normal. (Oh no, I’m not having heart problems as per medically speaking.)

I give up thinking of ways on how my heart will go back to normal. I just want that one cry, a hard flow of tears which I believe would heal whatever hurt I was hiding inside. Then one of my friends said that maybe there was no pain at all that is why I can’t cry. I guess that one started to sink in, that maybe I have no hurt and no wound to heal.

I went back in living my routine – laughing out loud, going home excitedly, sleeping as long as I want, having my intimate conversation with God, talking to friends and serving in the ministry. All has started to go back to normal.

Then recently the most awaited tears have come out! I was hurt so deep that my eyes become a wellspring of tears (hapdi na ng eyes ko and the tears just keep on pouring out). It is ironic because inspite of the pain, I know I have my heart back! I was not happy for the cause of tears, it was really painful, the first time I felt it from someone I loved so much. But what made me glad is that I once again cried my heart out. I haven’t had an idea that I will be going such a trying time with someone so so close to me.

Again this may sound weird, but after that incident I felt that the excitement is back. Not that I am excited to cry every moment, but I am excited to talk to God, to serve Him and to feel Him even in the most simple ways.
All this time, it is just a matter of giving up and surrendering everything to God. Like in the song, I threw my arms into the sky and gave up “my” fight for the battle is not mine, it is the Lord’s.

Christmas Letter

I always wanted to go back to school. I was thinking of enrolling for a masteral's degree or even a short-term course on chemistry or animal nutrition. But probably my willingness is not enough to start any of it. So when the GLC course was opened, I excitedly enrolled!

It was fun attending classes again. I got the Saturday schedule and after all these months, every Saturday class is an exciting day for me. I make it a point that I wake up early so I won't be late (we have a high-tech sign-in process so late comers are detected, hehehe).

Every now and then, we have projects and assignments. And last December we have been given a project to write a letter to someone we do not know. I am not really sure if my letter was given to anyone, but I find it interesting to share what I wrote (if there are people who might drop by at this site and hopefully they are Pinoy, hehehe). I love writing letters to friends and loved ones and so when this project was given, I enthusiastically wrote down what's in my mind and what's in my heart.
I hope you will find this worth reading...

December, 2009

Sa isang minamahal,

Mapagpalang araw sa iyo!

Marahil ay nagtataka ka sa pagtanggap mo ng liham na ito. Nais ko lamang ibahagi sa iyo ang kaunting kwento ng aking buhay at dalangin ko na sana ay ma-bless ka habang binabasa mo ito.

Ako ay si Marie Clemente, single at nakatira sa Calumpit, Bulacan. Nasa grade 5 ako noon nang malaman kong di pala totoo si Santa Claus. Alam mo bang tuwing Pasko ay excited ako sa regalong matatanggap ko kay Santa Claus? Minsan ay di talaga ako natutulog pagkatapos ng noche Buena dahil gusto kong makita nang personal si Santa Claus. Kaya ganun na lang ang disappointment ko nang malaman kong di pala tuna yang pinaniniwalaan ko. Maraming taon at Pasko na ang lumipas ngunit hanggang ngayon ay naaalala ko pa rin ang pangyayaring iyon.

Mayroon pang isang pangyayari sa buhay ko na hinding hindi ko malilimutan. Lumaki akong pala-simba at ang aming pamilya ay nagdarasal ng sabay-sabay. Maayos ang aking pag-aaral at hindi ako sakit sa ulo ng aking mga magulang. Sa tingin ko ay walang problema sa akin. Mabait ako. Yun ang alam ko. Ngunit isang araw ay may nag-share sa akin tungkol kay Hesus. Buong akala ko ay ayos na ayos na ako. Nalaman kong makasalanan pala ako. Nagsisinungaling, nag-iisip ng hindi maganda sa kapwa, sumasagot sa magulang – ang lahat pala ng ito ay katumbas din ng malalaking kasalanan. Ang kasalanan pala sa mata ng Diyos ay pantay-pantay. Pinaka natakot ako nang malaman kong ang kabayaran ng kasalanan ay kamatayan – kamatayang papunta sa impyerno. Ayokong mapunta ang kaluluwa ko sa impyerno. Laking tuwa ko nang ipaliwanag sa akin ang lalim ng pagmamahal ng Diyos sa akin. Gayon na lamang ang pag-ibig ng Diyos sa akin kaya’t pinadala Nya ang nag-iisa Nyang Anak na si Hesus para Sya ang tumubos ng aking kasalanan. Sya ang nagbayad na dapat ako ang gaganap. Ang kapalit ng Kanyang kamatayan ay ang kapatawaran ng aking kasalanan, ang pagkakaroon ko ng buhay na walang hanggan at ang pagbibigay sa akin ng karapatan na maging anak ng Diyos. Ang lahat ng ito ay regalo ng Diyos, ang kailangan lang ay tanggapin ang regalong ito. Tulad ng paghihintay ko noon sa regalo ni Santa Claus, excited ko ding tinanggap ang regalong binigay ni Hesus. Buong pagpapakumbaba kong inamin ang aking kasalanan, hiningi ng tawad ang mga ito at malaya kong binuksan ang aking puso para kay Hesus. Nakadama ako ng tunay na kaligayahan sa aking puso. Ngayong alam kong natanggap ko na ang pinaka mahalagang regalo sa buong mundo – ang kasiguraduhan ng pagkakaroon ko ng tunay na relasyon sa Diyos at ang kasiguraduhan na pag ako’y nawala na dito sa mundo, diretso akong mapupunta sa kaharian ang aking Amang nasa langit.

Ikaw, natanggap mo na ba ang pinakamahalagang regalo? Kung hindi pa, sana’y huwag mong palagpasin ang pagkakataong ito na tanggapin ang regalo ni Hesus. Lumapit ka sa Kanya at buong pusong ibigay ang buhay mo. Naghihintay Sya sa iyo.

Ngayong kapaskuhan, inaalala natin ang pagsilang ni Hesus – ang Kanyang birthday. Dalangin ko na ngayong taon ay madama mo ang tunay na dahilan ng Pasko. Ipinanganak si Hesus para sa iyo. Nabuhay Sya bilang tao para sa iyo. Namatay Sya sa krus para sa iyo. At nabuhay Syang muli para sa iyo. Kaibigan, ang pagmamahal ni Hesus ay para sa iyo. Ikaw ang laging laman ng Kanyang puso. Ikaw ang laging laman ng Kanyang isipan. Ganyan ka Nya kamahal. Alam ko dahil na-experience ko ito. Ako ay nagpapatotoo sa kabutihan at pag-ibig ng Diyos.

Isang makabuluhang Pasko ang iniiwan ko sa iyo. Naghihintay na ang regalo mo. Buksan at tanggapin mo.

Maraming salamat sa pagbabasa mo ng liham ko. Hindi man tayo magkakilala ng personal, dalangin kong magkikita tayo sa kaharian ng Diyos balang araw.

Mahal na mahal ka ng Diyos!


Gumagalang,

Marie Clemente

The Year That Was

While most of the people were happily celebrating the new year, I joined the rest who silently sleep and decided to quietly let the old year pass.

I have a lot in my mind as I start this entry but eventually chosen not to write them all. I could say that I started 2009 on high, and if I’ll base the year’s ending on my own, sablay. Fortunately, what matters most is my relationship with God. Inspite of my rebellion, Jesus committed to love me all the days of my life. I am secured.

Year 2009 was filled with so many unforgettable moments. Laugh, fun, hurts, pains, lost, kilig, excitements, disappointments, frustrations, surprises, adventure, love, tears, and so much more – all these I have experienced. Some may have been avoided, but all things happen for a reason.

It was a good year though for all areas in my life, and I’m looking forward to a better one this year.

Let's get "natural" this time...

I am fascinated by nature. Who's not anyway?


For the past two months, nature played a not so good game. Floods here and there. Typhoons come and go. Landslides on highlands. Calamities were everywhere. Was that fascinating? I don't think so. . . cause I was a victim of high-level flood, trapped in water for days!


But lately nature is taking its natural course again, well as for me. I've never been that close to a rainbow! It was last Saturday during our single's retreat in Antipolo. My job for the amazing race was over when my feet led me to another station. I didn't have anything to do that time so I just followed where my feet were going. Reaching the station, I was too lazy to go and see the players. I sat at the fence and reluctantly watched the others enjoying the game. Until I noticed Lio was taking photos of me! I was thinking maybe my mood was an ironic object for such an event. And then she told, "may rainbow sa likod mo." What? A rainbow at my back? Whoo-la, there's a rainbow indeed! It was so big and so clear that I want to touch it. The rainbow is just on the other mountain! So lively and so lovely... Too bad I didn't bring the cable of my phone, I couldn't post the photo here. Anyway, I was actually contemplating on something that time and I was too glad to see that rainbow. It lifted my spirit.


And today, I travelled for more than 4 hours by car. I've been to long trips, but this one was different for we (together with my colleagues) travelled through mountains. No zig-zags, no diziness, no accidents, just pure leisure travel. Malaysia is so rich in beautiful mountains with green everywhere (my fave color!). Loved our trip eventhough it took us more than 4 hours before reaching Penang.

And of course, these "nature tripping" brought my senses back to myself. I miss "me". The focused, organized, joyful and full of spirit lady. Maybe nature is reminding me to be in my natural self again. Though I know it's my Dad's way of telling that He is also missing the "natural" me... I'm going back (really trying) to Whom I belong.

We Were Not Spared…

From God’s umbrella of protection and provision.

Philippines is in the hot news again. This time because of the raging recent typhoon that devastated the center of the country. “Ondoy” is now part of one of the most tragic event of the nation.

I wasn’t aware of this typhoon as I woke up that Saturday morning. I needed to move fast or else I will be late again in the GLC class. Rain has started to cover the roads. Before I left the house, I was able to utter a simple prayer for the Marilao women’s retreat. As I look at my schedule that day, going to that retreat is impossible.

After class, the rain even intensified. All I know is the weather that day was not one of my favorites. In the afternoon, as we are about to have our singles’ meeting, a chruchmate informed us that some who went to the Marilao retreat were stranded by flood. As for me, I didn’t take the news seriously, thinking that very soon water will subside.

During and after the meeting, the heavy downpour didn’t stop. We were supposed to have our dgroup when one of my friends received a text message from her mom informing her to go home early. Her parents were trapped at the NLEX. Another friend texted us that she cannot attend as her mom also advised her to go home instead. Yet another one informed us that she left her office at 2pm but transportation is impossible. We decided to have a minute of prayer instead of having dgroup discussion. And I went home immediately as the rain continued to rage and this time together with strong winds.

As I reached home, I thought of the people who were still on the road and silently shot a prayer for them. Hours passed until I heard my brothers talking that water is coming in to our place. I immediately prayed and asked God to spare us from flood. I also texted my friends to pray for us too. Now I fully understand that the situation is serious and critical.

When I woke up that morning, water is now in our garage. Thank God, it didn’t enter the first floor of our house. All throughout the day news about the tragic effect of typhoon were shown in the television, text messages and radio stations. I have friends and relatives who were stranded for more than 16 hours in their cars, some slept not at their homes, and others spent tireless hours just to reach their houses. As I watched and heard of the hopeless tragedy, I felt how God protected my family. We are all safe in our home. That Sunday we even celebrated the 2nd birthday of my nephew, Jumong. Our properties are secured. We have plenty of food supply. My eldest sister and I were talking during dinner and she said, “Ang sarap naman ng food natin, kahit baha ang dami nating pagkain.”

I also felt the love and concern of our closest friends. Calls and text messages from people who I do not regularly talk with, made their way to contact us just to know how we are and to extend their concern. Indeed, it is during these times that you will know people who really care. I am so thankful to my college friends, churchmates and colleagues who called and sent us text messages. My cousin who’s in the States was one of the very first to give us a ring (she was actually my alarm clock that Sunday morning, hehe). And most of all, I am grateful that God protected me and my whole family. It pays to be a “beloved princess”.

I wouldn’t mention the details of the worse scenarios that happened, everything is in the news and internet anyway. What I want to say is that, life is too short to be wasted. In just a blink of an eye, all can perish. Nothing is permanent here on earth. Even inside the house, it is not safe. The question that rings to my mind now is, “what will I be doing when my time comes?” I hope and pray that when God calls me, I am busy… obeying what He has commanded me.

Jam-Packed Week

Or should I say jam-packed weeks?

Do you experience doing so many things yet it seems like you’re not accomplishing anything? And the pile of to-do’s gets higher? That would be the description of my week. It started last month when my works were all important and urgent, so the less important and less urgent ones were left behind. And this week I was able to start doing those jobs. Guess what? It’s Friday now but it looks like I just completed one-fourth of it!

My sleep is also incomplete. I think it was only Monday night that I was able to have a decent (7-hour sleep is a decent one for me) sleep. This will be my routine maybe until Saturday. The work at the office and the activities in the ministry flooded me at the same time. Not that I’m complaining or grumbling, I’m just not prepared for it. Or a more proper way to say it is I did not prepare myself for it.

Well, this Saturday’s one-day retreat is keeping me excited. I know God has a good plan for it and I’m glad I could be part of it. I am a bit anxious though for the group we will be facilitating is composed of married women and probably beyond our age. Nevertheless, this is gonna be a different experience again. (By the way, I haven’t attended the facilitator’s training nor the review of materials. How in the world will I go through the breakout? – Panic!)

I made this entry hoping to keep my sanity…

I Miss "Home"

All I want is to be back, to where I was weeks or months before. Words cannot explain how I feel lately, I don’t know how far I’ve been to. All I know is that I miss “home”.

“Home” is a place where you are most comfortable with. According to Wikipedia, a home is a place of comfort and refuge. I miss my place of refuge, the place where I am safe and secured.

How and when was my “going away from home” started? It was when I decided to be on my own and be far from the truth. It was so subtle. It was not a complete fun. It was a dangerous adventure. I knew all these but have put them only at the back of my mind. I was disappointed with myself, I thought I was strong. I continued my journey to the other side of the road, deliberately neglecting the signs and warnings along the way. I made some U-turns, but those are not enough to bring me back “home”.

Until I came to the point where I needed to stop. I have to rest and recharge for my journey. It was at this time that I turned back and saw how far I was from "home". I looked to where I am going and saw nothing. I was tired. I was hopeless. I was drained. I wanted to explode. I wished that this is just a dream and nothing is real. But the more I wanted to escape, the more I see that all is true.

I need to make a decision, a tough and firm decision. Twice, I was saved from a head-on collision (deep compromise) by Someone who never left me nor forsaken me. He was there all the time, waiting for me every morning to turn to Him and let Him take the wheel. He could have said boldly every single mistake I did right in front of my face, but He didn’t. Never have I heard any condemnation from Him. Never have I felt Him getting impatient of me. Never have I heard Him blaming me. All I see is His love, His concern and His grace towards me. I looked at Him, gave Him the wheel and surrendered my cause. He held my hand and together we go back “home”. Thank You, my Daddy God.

(The Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris)

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.

Unafraid because His armour is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.

People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and look up for a smile

'Cause deep inside this armour...
Deep inside this armour...

Deep inside this armour...

The warrior is a child.

Fireworks!!!

For the past few days, I was expectant and excited for my birthday. Having blues and senti moments too. I think that’s normal, most of the people I know feel the same on their birthdays.

We had a two-day leadership retreat at San Felipe, Zambales last April 9 -10, 2009. At first I was not excited, I even told one of my friends about it. I get disappointed and somewhat frustrated when I hear the others planning for bonding and teambuilding activities. There’s nothing wrong with that, aren’t we supposed to do that? But I was hoping to hear plans on how the leaders will be more passionate and committed and on fire for the service. I was hoping that it will be a more moving encounter than regular retreats since it is a leadership activity. Being "candid" as I am, I talked to the leader of the singles about it. As usual, we had a heated discussion but as always, we both agreed to disagree.

Plans, schedules and topics have been laid down. All was set. On the way to the venue, I get a little excited. Days before, I cried out to God because I was overwhelmed with what’s going to happen. There are times that I would ask God what can I do for Him. But birthdays are different, it’s my day, my special day. I guess it’s ok to ask God for a surprise and be selfish for one day. Haha! During the activity planning, it was decided that all the leaders will share the gospel on the 2nd day, my special day. I was overwhelmed. I was astonished. I was amazed. All the while I think of myself and my birthday. But God has other plans. April 10, 2009 is a good Friday – a time when most of the people are commemorating the death of Jesus. I was in awe when I realized that God has given me the greatest gift, that is to share His love, His salvation, His Son to others. This is His ultimate gift to me – to use me in sharing the good news.

The sharing was extremely amazing. All of us has our own stories to tell. We were in pairs in spreading the good news in San Felipe. There were funny tales, frustrating stories, exciting and hyper talks, heartfelt lines, touching words – but above all, each one of us experienced the joy of sharing Jesus. Almost half of the group had their first time to tell the gospel to others, to people we hardly know.

My partner is not a first-timer. Nevertheless, we rehearsed and planned on how we will be delivering the gospel. There were three people God sent us to share the gospel with, first with a man and another batch with two married women. I was blessed with my partner as he started the conversation in a relaxed mood. Later on I found myself doing most of the talking (what’s new? Haha!). And he just let me do the job. At the end, he added points and challenges to the people we shared the good news with. These three souls were not new to the gospel, but God humbled their hearts to pray and recommit their lives and accepted Jesus in their hearts.

I should be overjoyed with the result of the retreat… But deep in my heart there was not enough joy, I felt something is still missing, lacking. I was at times by myself, quiet, silent, not the usual happy lady. One of my closest friend noticed it and she admitted that at one instance she got disappointed with me, with my actions, with my words, with how I relate to her, to others. Last Saturday, God reviewed to me the lesson on how to be satisfied with Him. I do my responsibility as a Christian – having my quiet time, reading the bible, attending worship services – you name it, I am doing it. But I still feel discontented, unsatisfied. Why? I asked God what’s wrong with me. As I studied the day 3 lesson from week two of Breaking Free, God answered my question. He created me to have discontentment and dissatisfaction in all areas of my life, including my spiritual walk. Why? So that I will seek Him and know Him more and more, that I will thirst and hunger for more of Him, that I will not be satisfied and contented with only a few things about Him. Yes, I am doing my responsibility but is my heart yearning, longint to have more of Jesus? That hit me to the core. I stopped growing in love with my Savior.

When I reached home that Friday, my mother cooked pancit for me. I was thankful for my family that we celebrated my special day eventhough I spent only a little time with them that day. After less than one hour, I saw familiar faces in our home. I was with these singlemen and women for two days… I knew it! My friends planned something for me. They blindfolded me while they prepare their surprise. At one time, I even annoyed them because I was the type who doesn’t get surprised easily. I spoiled their plan a bit. (Sorry guys, I was expectant you know? Hehehe). When they took off the blindfold, there were… FIREWORKS!!! It was so beautiful. As the fireworks painted the sky with colors, lights and sounds, my friends started to sing the most joyful happy birthday song… Perfect! Everytime I see fireworks, it reminds me of God. The happy, colorful lights are smiles and nods and assurances from my Father. I “seized the moment” and enjoyed watching the fireworks and listening to the song. My head up high, thinking about God, savoring that special time. My dgroup even made a card with sort-of caricature of me. Thank you sis for the surprise, you really got me there. I love you all. (Naku, mausok yata dito. Hehehe)

I know it was my Daddy God who planned for everything. The loud rejoicing in heaven and the fireworks on earth… amazing! I asked forgiveness from my Father, for feeling empty, unsatisfied, selfish, for not being a good example at times. I accepted His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness. It’s so nice to be back again, to be happy, to seek more of God, to love my Father evenmore, to be joyful as the fireworks...