T E A R S

21 GUNS (by Green Day)

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

The first time I heard this song, I was instantly attracted to it. You won’t be easily attached to something if it has nothing to do with you. And yes, this song has to some extent, expressed what I undergone for the past months.

I was in lost, I don’t know what my heart was like. For about six months, it couldn’t feel anything. Weird as it may sound, I even tried reading stories or watching films that will let my tears out. But all did not move my heart to feel what I want to be feeling. Not that I don’t care at all, but my heart is not “behaving” like normal. (Oh no, I’m not having heart problems as per medically speaking.)

I give up thinking of ways on how my heart will go back to normal. I just want that one cry, a hard flow of tears which I believe would heal whatever hurt I was hiding inside. Then one of my friends said that maybe there was no pain at all that is why I can’t cry. I guess that one started to sink in, that maybe I have no hurt and no wound to heal.

I went back in living my routine – laughing out loud, going home excitedly, sleeping as long as I want, having my intimate conversation with God, talking to friends and serving in the ministry. All has started to go back to normal.

Then recently the most awaited tears have come out! I was hurt so deep that my eyes become a wellspring of tears (hapdi na ng eyes ko and the tears just keep on pouring out). It is ironic because inspite of the pain, I know I have my heart back! I was not happy for the cause of tears, it was really painful, the first time I felt it from someone I loved so much. But what made me glad is that I once again cried my heart out. I haven’t had an idea that I will be going such a trying time with someone so so close to me.

Again this may sound weird, but after that incident I felt that the excitement is back. Not that I am excited to cry every moment, but I am excited to talk to God, to serve Him and to feel Him even in the most simple ways.
All this time, it is just a matter of giving up and surrendering everything to God. Like in the song, I threw my arms into the sky and gave up “my” fight for the battle is not mine, it is the Lord’s.